My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.