why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
going to the ER y’all need anything
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.