[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …