*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
i want to work in this restaurant
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.