Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.