Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.