I might carry a baby with one hand.
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change