For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
When he asks for feet pics
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.