If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
? 💀
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
(Musicians.)
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.