I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense