My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No