Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
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My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I would like even faster food.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.