This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Breaking news:
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Skills
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.