Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
BRAKING NEWS!!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.