The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
You Might Also Like
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Sending in my taxes
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear