When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
You Might Also Like
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?