first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
6: are snakes just neck?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.