“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
😂😂
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
sry
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in