When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*