Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.