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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Buying a well is money well spent.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?