‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
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*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years