The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
she has a point
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.