if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
we all know this pain all too well
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?