I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…