Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
You Might Also Like
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!