Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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no!! no!!!!!!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I can’t deal with men any longer
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Bit chilly again tonight.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….