I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
ibopfufen
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”