Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
“No way.” -Jose
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?