My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
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[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*seductively eats two tums*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.