[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
🤣😂
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size