I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people