It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
You Might Also Like
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian