I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Cucumbers Anonymous