*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
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I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Nice try, poison.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.