Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.