Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Did my cat write this
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
SCARY COSTUME
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop