If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
concern
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“so what brings you to therapy today?”