“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*limbos away from your hug*
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.