I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My birthstone is kidney
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.