Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
LMAO
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.