waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
You Might Also Like
The USS B port
I needed a laugh this morning.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes