Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
good work, everybody
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.