Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
How to make infinite energy.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed