No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Covid like
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back