I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Autocarrot sucks!
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣