You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m not proud
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine