Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
the only bumper sticker ill allow
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
How can I say no to this ?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit