There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
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me, after any kind of buffet.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.