My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
is frankincense just very honest incense?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Well, this explains it:
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Ha.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?